Why do I realize things so late

Now I just want to say I'm sorry

sorry to ask you something that I know it's hard for you to make it happen

sorry for everything that I already asked

sorry if I can't be someone who can fill in your life

sorry if I am late to realize that you ever feel jealous to me

If I have time to say, I just want to say thank you

I wish you the best of all the world could give

If I have time with you, please let me hug you just for a minute

I admit that I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me

I am trying to smile in front of you

coz I don't want to lost every second i spend with you

I am crying at the night

coz it's hard for me to admit that you try to stay away for me

We don't talk anymore like we used to do

And I miss every second with our random conversation 

We don't chill out together like we used to do 

And I miss every moment I spend with you

Refer to the song that you ever send to me "Jealous - Labrinth"

Now I'm jealous of the rain that falls upon your skin

It's closer than my hands have been

because now I can't even touch you

Half of me

Aku tak mengerti apa yang kini aku rasakan..

Hanya sepi yang ada..

Aku merasa ada sebagian dari diriku yang kosong, yang pergi hilang entah kemana

Aku harus bangkit dari keadaan ini

Jiwa kosong membuat aku semakin tidak menyadari potensi yang ada dalam diri

Aku mulai mencari kelebihan orang yang tak ku punya

Aku mulai mencaci apa yang tak ada

Aku mulai membandingkan dengan keadaan yang ada

Aku mulai berontak dengan keadaan yang tidak semestinya

ITU BUKAN AKU!

Aku harus bangkit dari keterpurukan ini

Ketika moment dimana hati ini hanya diam membeku

Ketika pikiran ini mulai berkarat tak mampu mencerna

Ketika jiwa ini menghilang entah kemana

APAKAH KARENA KAMU?!

Kamu yang dulu selalu ada untuk aku, mengubah semua pondasi yang aku dirikan

Kamu menjadi bagian pondasi itu

Kamu hadir dan menyelemai sisi kelamku, yang aku sendiri tak tahu dimana aku sembunyikan itu

Dan kamu pun mulai lelah dengan bagian diriku

Mungkin bagian lain dariku terlalu kasar untuk mu

Memporak-porandakan sisa kesabaranmu

Menghancurkan pondasi yang diberikan untukku

Sehingga kamu sendiripun lelah untuk menompang bersamaku

INIKAH AKHIR?

Aku hanya terdiam membisu

Mengumpulkan semua tenaga untuk bertanya pertanyaan yang aku sendiri tak tahu apakah aku sanggup menanyakan

Mencari cara untuk menyampaikan sesuatu hal yang aku sendiri bertanya apakah pantas aku sampaikan

Aku pun kemudian memutuskan untuk menikmati setiap detik bersamamu

Hanya menatap kamu, cukup memperhatikan kamu

Karena seketika aku merasa, saatnya kamu pergi meninggalkan aku

Dan aku pun membangun puing-puing pondasiku kembali

Entah untuk berapa lama, entah sampai kapan, yang pasti kini

AKU HANYA SETENGAH!!

Picture from IG: @xpro_photography
Location: Venice, Italy 

Do I have to say a broken heart?

It is been so long time
almost 1 year I am trying to open my heart and give a chance to someone that definitely different with me. Because I have faith that he can adjust the difference, he really wants me to be his soulmate and I see from his eyes that he said it from his heart.
Three months like a heaven between us, we can't be separate away.. three months after he still show his willing.. Now, I feel he is changed a lot, maybe time changed his belief.
he is not as same as someone that I knew before. He always said that he still the same but he is not or he just more realistic?. I am trying to keep his promise, give me an answer in 1 year.. the answer about his willing. Even I know what is the answer, it is very hard for me to accept the truth. I am still trying to believe that he is my soulmate..because if he is not, I already forgot him long time ago..
Today, we already discuss..both of us still trying. He shows me that he still keep his promise. And I believe, we still have a way for our wishes.

Picture: taken from someone Instragam @xpro_photography
Story: write in my student room Deventer
Feeling: worried

stop crying babe..stop crying..

I hope my tears worth it. I hope you know what i feel to you. I just want to give a little surprise but I think, I didn't do in correct way. you ever said, you won't ever make me cry but you didn't. I know you're too worry, but I always said no need to worry. If you think that you can't handle this, then just leave me. you can go what-ever you wanna go. You still have time to decide. and I always said it for many times..

sorry if i can't be someone that you want

maybe I am too naive that you know me better 

maybe i am the one who ask you too much

you always said that I don't care with you

but did you know how many tears drop from my eyes because of you?

I love you but I think you don't believe it

You love me but I think it's not lasting

I always believe that we have a future

but I think you always doubt it..

maybe it's a good time for us to step back..

as you wish, up to me...

then up to me to decide, I won't make you worry about me anymore..

keep saying up to me..

keep saying yaayaa..yaayy..

keep saying like I said

keep silent for every situation that we face

keep run away for any situation..

then as you wish...

#Deventer, Netherland#

#my room no. 12#

One Day

..One Day..

I want to be your soulmate

I want to be your partner

I want to be your best-friend

"the image belongs to @xpro_photography"

...One Day...

I just want to stay at home, take care our children and wait you arrive 

I can do my job at home without bothering my

main job taking care my family

I share my knowledge to society and you always support it

....One Day....

I want to spend my life with you 

I want to be your adviser while you need an advice

I want to be the one who can cheer you up while you down

-d.3.n.4-

#Deventer, Netherlands

Saxion International Housing

be patience.. for every situation

Maybe word of "patience" really familiar among us. everyone said "you should be patience to pass this problem", "be patience and you will get a happy ending" and etc. Patience..patience..yeah patience. This word always walk and almost run around my mind.

be patience to do all this things; homework, assignment, test, exam and etc

be patience to travel around Europe

be patience because I can not meet you for almost 1 year

be patience that I already miss you

be patience that we only can talk through internet

be patience about the process between you and me become us

But I believe that "patience" has no limit and I hope you also don't have a limit to wait for me.

no limit for loving me

no limit to understand me

no limit for caring me

no limit to listen me

no limit to talk with me

no limit to stay with me

-XoXo-

Deventer, Netherlands

Saxion International Housing